Preface
‘Slow Down!’ flashed the sign in neon light against the night sky. All the cars in the street, including mine, were rushing around, seemingly oblivious to the warning.
Then I woke up.
Immediately I had a strong feeling that this dream was from God and that it contained warning and instruction.
Slow Down? Surely not me? I had plenty of energy. Why me? I still had so many things I wanted to achieve.
As I reflected, my head still on the pillow and drowsy with sleep, I knew why. I needed more time to be with my family, both the youngest generation of grandchildren and the oldies. I needed time to listen to people in my community. I needed to take life at a slower pace for the sake of my own physical and mental wellbeing. I needed time to reflect and think about the meaning of my life. I needed time to listen to God and to pray.
I knew that my dream contained a clear instruction.
Speed awareness
The sense that God was already speaking to me about this had begun a few weeks earlier in a very down-to-earth experience which is familiar to so many of us in our day-to-day lives.
I had received two speeding tickets in a week, one in the Midlands, where I had been working, and one nearer home. The Bristol ticket had seemed the most unfair. Shortly after leaving the M32 motorway, drivers approach the 30mph speed limit in the built-up area of Bristol, but sandwiched in between these areas is one road where the speed limit is reduced to 20mph. I had hardly noticed it. I had to disagree with the wayside rhyme, ‘Twenty is plenty.’ Not in my experience. I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
With one fine paid and points notched up on my licence, I had no alternative but to register for a speed awareness course, which meant giving up three hours of my ‘precious’ time, as I perceived it to be. I couldn’t even cheat (a big temptation) by doing some work or emailing on the side, because I had to keep answering questions or giving an opinion. The organisers were obviously well versed in dealing with would-be skivers like me.
The first most annoying thing about the course was how long it took just to get underway, with each participant giving a personal introduction, and the rationale of the course being explained in detail. With my usual impatience, I just wanted to do the bare necessary to pass the course. In my not so humble opinion, I didn’t really need to learn how to drive better because I was already so good at it! My husband and children might have a few negative things to say about my skill behind the wheel but, hey, family members are always prejudiced against a mum driving, aren’t they?
I sat there and fumed my way through the course. The facilitator’s habits annoyed me. He repeated the person’s name after every answer, just like the good salesman he had been trained to be. He had something irritatingly positive to say about every response, however simplistic. It went something like this:
Trainer: How do you know what the speed limits are in an area?
Participant: Because the speed limit is marked on the lampposts.
Trainer: Absolutely right, John. I can see you’ve been noticing those posts.
I didn’t know whether to scream in frustration or to laugh out loud. All I knew was that I wanted to finish this ridiculous course and get on with the important things of life, like doing my job.
However, as the first hour went by, I began to find that I had a few things to learn. My fellow speeders seemed to be tolerant and good humoured and even showed appreciation of the trainer’s style.
And then two facts were proved by statistics, graphs and examples. Speeding even on the motorway would not get you to your destination any faster. The difference between doing an emergency stop at 30mph and 20mph is huge, especially when it comes to serious injury of a child stepping out in front of a car. Such terrible accidents also have a huge effect on the mental health of the driver.
The course instructor demonstrated that the only way to get to a destination on time is to prepare properly the night before and to start punctually. Oh dear! This was against my habit of throwing everything in a bag at the last minute and rushing out of the door on my way to Plymouth or Birmingham.
The whole course, which I had despised at the beginning, had a radical effect on my driving and my organisational habits.
Spiritual discipline
The more I thought about it afterwards, the more I realised that my enforced attendance on the speed awareness course was like spiritual discipline.
‘No discipline seems pleasant at the time,’ says the writer to the Hebrews (12:11). He is right there. It doesn’t, and I instinctively don’t appreciate it! But Hebrews 12:5-6 makes some good points:
Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves.
Verses 10 and 11 of the same chapter continue with this theme.
God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (NIV 1984)
I had no choice but to attend the speed awareness course, and we Christians have no choice in enduring the difficulties and trials of life which God allows to come our way. Just as I fretted against the inconvenience of spending three hours on the course, I often fret against the corrections and lessons God wants to teach me. Nowadays, when I get to that annoying 20mph stretch of road after the motorway, I consciously slow down. Apart from anything else, I don’t want to do another speed awareness course or get another fine! But I do remember what I learned about driving. Similarly, what God has taught me through the trials and failures of my life, I have not easily forgotten. We all inherit unhelpful characteristics of personality through our family DNA, and I am no exception. When my life has been in the ‘go slow’ lane I have understood my weaknesses. Of course, I also inherited positive qualities which God can use, but it’s the lessons from the hard knocks of life which have been the most enduring.
The purpose of this book
So, part of this book is sharing what God has been teaching me as He has admonished me with, ‘Slow down!’ These lessons come from different stages of my life, and I have tried to explain as honestly as I can about some of the tussles I have experienced. My life has not been particularly dramatic – I’m not a converted drug dealer, neither am I an influencer, but I have tried to explain what I have found difficult. My personality is such that I don’t accept the reality of life passively. This book will tell you about some of my weaknesses and how God has dealt with them. It will show you that I have been rebellious and difficult and slow to recognise my own faults, keen to point out the speck in someone else’s eye when the reality has been that I’ve failed to notice the great whopping ‘plank’ in my own (Matthew 7:5). I’m not naturally submissive. It’s a story of how I’ve failed so often to ‘count others better than [myself]’ (Philippians 2:3, RSV).
It’s also about the sufferings I’ve seen others go through and what a challenge that has been to my Christian life. Sometimes it’s hard to be a believer when you see how much others have suffered, and I have included some examples for reflection.
In visiting older people, I’ve met some who’ve given up on the faith and become disillusioned, but we can reassure such people that God has not given up on them. I
know that, because God, in His mercy, has not given up
on me. If the challenges in both my character and my circumstances resonate with you, then I hope that you will be encouraged to believe that God won’t give up on you either. I’ve always believed that God responds to our honesty, both before we become believers and during our Christian lives. God does business with us in a very down-to-earth manner and exposes our true motivation for our actions.
It is also a book about pastoral ministry. Sometimes churches make this a very official job. I think there is a tendency to professionalise so much in our society, and that tendency has crept into the life of the Church in all denominations. It’s clearly important to have safeguarding rules in place to protect the vulnerable among those who are visiting and the visited, and official training can be very useful, but encouraging and helpful conversations can take place in the most unlikely and ‘unofficial’ situations. It can also be the person who is supposed to be ‘helped’ who can turn out to be ‘the helper’. Recently, when I was acting in an official capacity as a ‘spiritual advisor’, the person I was advising prayed something which was relevant for my own guidance in a difficult situation. It was a role reversal which showed the Holy Spirit to be at work in a helpful way. On another occasion, I wasn’t offering mentorship in any way. After I had preached in church one Sunday, I was drinking coffee alongside someone I didn’t know. A chance question combined with the person’s own reflections about the sermon drew out from them observations about their grieving process which they told me they had found helpful to express. On neither of these occasions was the person offering advice doing anything officially. But I felt the guidance of the Holy Spirit in both encounters, both when I was being helped and when the other person was responding to a sermon through self-discovery. Whether you are working for a living, or are a volunteer, or are a Christian going about your everyday life, you may well have similar experiences.
The gift of ‘helps’
When we share who we are honestly, not pretending to have all the answers, we can practise the gift of ‘helps’ (1 Corinthians 12:28, KJV). Perhaps it doesn’t seem a very glamorous gift – some of the others in the list of gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 seem far more attractive. But there are benefits to sharing with others who we really are. Paul tells us that ‘we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us’ (2 Corinthians 4:7). I know that jars of clay break quite easily, but when they are scattered in pieces on the ground, we see the ‘treasure’ that was inside them. The power of the Holy Spirit and the love of the Lord Jesus are far more important and effective than our clay jars.
Before I ever had a named ministry in a church (either as a lay minister or as an ordained one), I found that people would open up to me, sometimes on public transport or in the supermarket, or in the school corridors and during break times when I was a teacher (both staff and pupils), or in Marseille when I was part of a church planting team,[1] or as the coordinator and a street worker of our local Street Pastors team in Salford.[2] It was never a position I sought. It just happened – proof, I think, of an unsought gift from God. It is a gift that can be used in an official ministry, and we can all benefit from training and guidance, but you will gradually discover whether you have it or not. Isaiah 61:1 tells us that ‘the Lord has anointed me … to bind up the broken-hearted’. This is part of a prophecy spoken by Jesus about the work He would do on this earth (see Luke 4:18-19; Isaiah 61:1-2), but in a small way, it is part of what we are called to do as Christians. If you find yourself in a similar situation, then this book is for you.
There is a danger that we can be too self-important; alternatively, we could become busy-bodies and clearly not the answer to everybody’s need for advice, but if the gift of ‘helps’ is truly there, we will not see ourselves as overly important, and will know when to withdraw from someone’s life, either for their sake or for our own wellbeing. We can be truly guided by the Holy Spirit in the way we exercise the gift of ‘helps’. I know several people in our church and among my friends who exercise this gift without any official label. I value my conversations with them.
If you are an official ‘pastoral visitor’ in your church and find that God is increasingly using you in that ministry, or if you are discovering that you have the gift of ‘helps’ or ‘helping’, or ‘wisdom’ (1 Corinthians 12:8), then this book is for you. You may well seek to do more official pastoral training, and that will be useful, but I am hopeful that this book might lead you to more personal reflections and be a help, even if you never go on an official course.
Ministering among older people
In the last seven years I have been a chaplain for older people, both for a secular national housing and care home charity and as an Anna Chaplain for my church and in north-east Bristol.[3] There are many active retired people, as well as younger people, involved in this sort of work up and down the country. This book is particularly for you, and many of the examples in this book come from this area of ministry. There is much need in our society for those who can visit older people, especially those who are lonely and isolated.
Our later lives are built on the experiences of our younger lives, and so this book is also useful for those who ‘counsel’ any age group. The more like Jesus we become, the more relaxed we will be about speaking to people from all sorts of ages and backgrounds. And the more we focus on Jesus rather than ourselves, the more we can retain our sense of humour and leave behind any idea of self-importance.
The questions at the end of each chapter are intended to help us explore the Bible passages that have been referred to in each chapter, our own personal growth and our ministry of ‘helps’, whether it’s official or not. They can also be used for a regular group Bible study or life group.
Think about! Reflections on Bible passages and your own walk with the Lord
1. Have you ever felt the need to ‘slow down’ in your own life? How did you feel about it?
2. Read Hebrews 12:7-11. What has been your reaction to God’s discipline in your own life?
Think about! Your own gifts and ministry
1. Where do you think God is leading in the way your gifts are used?
2. Is adjusting to a ‘slower pace’ when visiting elderly people, or those who are going through difficult experiences, a challenge for you?
3. Do you think it is helpful to consciously bring your experiences of life into your ministry, or are they a distraction?
1
God’s faithfulness and ours
Recently I’ve been reading about the relationship between David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel. When we read this story, we often concentrate on David’s role, because we know that he is going to turn out to be the famous, anointed king of Israel, but I want to look primarily at Jonathan’s role and see what we can learn about faithfulness.
When we go through adolescence, if we are fortunate we experience the faithfulness of our family, teachers and friends. Even when we are failed by family, there are often people like youth leaders who encourage us and believe in us. We know that there are young people who have never had anyone to believe in them. What a sad state of affairs! If we meet with God at this crucial juncture of our lives, we will discover God’s faithfulness to us. And then we will need the courage to take the decision to go through with the consequences of commitment to Him.
Our lives as adolescents are a bit like the story of the
D-Day veterans. During the eightieth anniversary celebrations of that historic occasion, many of them said how foolish, carefree and young they were when they signed up to be involved. Until they started disembarking from the boats onto the shore, they had no idea what was in store for them. By then it was too late to go back. Due to the terrible circumstances of war, they were forced to go on.
Happily, we are not in the same circumstances as the soldiers of the Second World War, but we need great courage to go forward both at the threshold of adulthood and in times of trials, including the trials of old age.
David and Jonathan’s relationship
Jonathan found himself in impossible circumstances. Although he disagreed with his father, Saul, he was faithful to him all the way through his life. He put himself out for David, as we are shown in 1 Samuel 20:4, when he says, ‘Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.’ In verse 34 it says that Jonathan was ‘grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David’. But while Jonathan believed in the ‘sworn friendship’ he and David had together (verse 42), Jonathan stayed with his father, and even fought for him at the decisive battle of Gilboa.
Jonathan showed extraordinary faithfulness in his loyalty to his family. At the same time, he encouraged David to find ‘strength in God’ rather than in his glorious future (1 Samuel 23:16). Jonathan was interested in principle, not in personal gain. When in chapter 20:31, Saul pointed out that if David was victorious, Jonathan would never inherit the kingdom as Saul’s son, Jonathan showed no concern, because that was not an important goal in his life. When David showed self-pity and desperation in what he said in chapter 20:1, Jonathan replied with wisdom and assurance.
Listening to those who have become disillusioned
Sadly, Christian people haven’t always been as faithful to each other as Jonathan was to David. Sometimes, instead of being peace-loving and eager for reconciliation, they have been self-serving and ambitious for themselves. I have met people of all ages who have been disillusioned by quarrels they have witnessed in churches, both ones they were involved in and disagreements they have observed from the sidelines. Sometimes they have found themselves cold-shouldered by people because they appeared to back the ‘wrong side’. It has caused some of them to leave the church and even give up their faith.
How important it is in these circumstances to reiterate the faithfulness of God, despite the imperfections of Christians. It takes time on the part of the pastoral visitor to listen to the details of such stories, especially when
the resulting bitterness has festered over the years. Fortunately, God is still pursuing us into old age. Over a period of time, I visited a man who had been made bitter by observing church quarrels when he was younger. During one visit he was able to say the Lord’s Prayer with me, and when he came to the words, ‘Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us’ (Luke 11:4), he started crying. God did a work of reconciliation in his heart before he passed away.
I have seen some of the leadership infighting which has gone on in various churches. Each time, whatever position I have taken, I have known that I have a conscious choice: feel upset, turn against people, refuse to talk to those who disagree with me and refuse to understand them, or consciously choose to forgive any perceived wrong and to go on building bridges. This can save us years of bitterness and barren years of not experiencing God’s intimate presence in our lives.
Holding on to God’s faithfulness changes us, and some people need to return to that understanding in their later years. If we minister among them, we should help them to be able to do that.
David went the extra mile. He not only honoured Saul’s family after his death, but he also searched out the weakest member of the family to honour him. In 2 Samuel 9, we have the story of Mephibosheth, the disabled son of Jonathan. David went out of his way to find him. In verse 1 he asked, ‘Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness?’ When we discover that, after that, Mephibosheth always ate at the king’s table, we are reminded of how God is continually seeking us out, to show us kindness. As pastoral visitors who minister among the disillusioned, we should be mirroring that gratuitous kindness. David’s motivation came from his experience of God’s goodness to him and his deep understanding that he didn’t deserve any of it.
Earlier crises in our own lives and their effect on our pastoral ministry
Being reminded of our encounters with God at key moments in our lives can help us understand what older people recall, and what younger people suffer, and it is always the experiences of crisis that help us listen to others. In later years I have been grateful for the times of crisis in my life that have helped me identify with those of others. If you listen out to the Holy Spirit, He will guide you to people with parallel or similar experiences.
Probably the most difficult experience of my life was a breakdown at the age of eighteen. ‘Breakdown’ is quite an old-fashioned word for what we would now call intense anxiety and depression, but in my case, ‘breakdown’ was an appropriate word, because suddenly I could no longer function. In fact, I took to my bed. I had no idea of the concepts of depression and anxiety, or suppressed feelings of anger or inadequacy (because such things were not discussed when I was a teenager; happily, that has changed, so that there is now a much healthier feeling of openness when discussing mental health issues). I found that I could hardly move my body. I had panic attacks which I experienced as similar to the symptoms of a heart attack. I had the scariest experiences of disassociation, which I didn’t feel I could share with anyone in case people thought I was going mad. I was constantly anxious about my health and my future. I was plunged into the depths of depression. I was convinced that I was about to die, and I saw no hope for my life. I didn’t want to live, and I was too scared to die.
Sometimes these unforeseen crises tie in with how God is moving in our lives, and when we look back, we can see how the two are intertwined. About six weeks before the initial episode of breakdown, I had tried talking to God honestly for the first time in many years. I had experienced a church upbringing, which made faith seem acceptable in childhood, but on the cusp of adulthood no longer made sense. In my anger and frustration about the hypocrisies and traditions of religion, I shouted to God in my head as I walked across the school playground. ‘If You’re there, and not a figment of someone’s imagination, You’d better show me You’re there, because otherwise I’m going to get on with my life and ignore You.’
I’ve since discovered that this can be a very ‘dangerous’ prayer, because if it’s genuine, God has the habit of answering. Since then, I’ve suggested it to several people and have been amazed at what has happened as a result. One was a neighbour who, in their perplexity, started writing letters to God, just in case He should be around, and God responded to the cry of this person’s heart.
Six weeks after my prayer, I was struck down by total helplessness. I’d always been a voracious reader, but suddenly I didn’t want to read anything at all. I’d always wanted to sneak in as many questionable TV programmes as possible without my parents finding out. Now, the slightest reverberation of gunshot in my favourite thrillers left me shaking. The only stories which calmed me were the ones in the Gospels about Jesus. I was drawn to the Great Healer.
There followed long medical sessions, visits to the psychiatrist, medication, inability to concentrate on anything academic, and extraordinary feelings of failure. I had a four-month period of complete inactivity, a two-year period of gradual recovery and then a further four-year period of very gradual return to normality but still experiencing some symptoms.
What was behind all this emotional trauma? Certainly, there were family quarrels which had never been resolved and for which I took a responsibility that was beyond me. There were unrealistic ambitions on the part of my parents who wanted me to be ‘top’ all the time, which didn’t tie in with my real abilities, but deeper than that were the issues I needed to face before I reached adulthood. What was the purpose of my life? In what direction was I really going? Did I have the courage to grasp the challenges of life?
Making important choices
Later, at university, I came to see that choosing to follow God or not was like the tributaries of a river, going off in different directions from each other. I had the freedom to choose which direction to go but I sensed that the choice had consequences, and I needed to face up to them. After a service when the preacher pointed this out very clearly, I went back to my hall of residence knowing that I had to make a decision. Sometime later, a speaker at a Christmas service pointed out that the wise men had been forced to go back home ‘by another route’ (Matthew 2:12) because they had encountered Jesus and their lives had changed.
We don’t know whether a different route could have been taken in our life, and sometimes in old age we can spend time guessing about what else we could have done with our lives, but we have to choose to trust God to guide us aright.
When we look back at such trials, we can truly say with the psalmist, ‘It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees’ (Psalm 119:71).
Satisfaction or regret?
Have I ever regretted that decision to follow God? I won’t give you an ‘everything has been lovely as a result’ quick answer. You will never understand other people’s dilemmas if you assume that. Sometimes I’ve hung on to faith with grim determination. Other times I’ve railed against God’s demands on my life. But most of the time I’ve known it was the right decision. ‘There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death,’ says Proverbs 14:12. May God protect us from that way. I have always found different songs and hymns centring on the pictures of God being a rock or an anchor to be very helpful in my hour of need, and I come back to those pictures again and again.
If you have encountered the faithfulness of God in your life, you will always be reaching back in your mind to those experiences. They are like a great big rock you cling to in the midst of life’s troubles. Slowing down is an opportunity to meditate on God’s faithfulness in hymns and verses of Scripture, and to look back at the deliverances in our own lives. Affirming God’s faithfulness as a church can strengthen us, which is why in the Old Testament people got together on a regular basis to affirm the great stories of deliverance. It’s also why church online or YouTube is so helpful to people who can’t get out to church in person. They may need the next generation to help them access it on their computers, but it’s a wonderful resource. It’s also why the BBC’s Songs of Praise is such a great source of encouragement to older people.
Engaging with older people who have no formal religion
There’s nothing to beat a face-to-face experience in a residential home or an independent living community. Sometimes I’ve been to a home where there don’t appear to be any religious residents, but sharing stories together has opened up the desire for a frank exchange of experiences. If, as the facilitator, you allow people the freedom to say what they want and you listen with respect without judging them, there will be times when they want to know more about God.
‘Wow!’ I said to one group. ‘You must know each other very well to be this honest when you are sharing.’
‘No, we don’t,’ they replied. ‘We only do this when you come.’
On another occasion, out of a light-hearted Easter quiz came the story of the repentant thief on the cross and his turning to Jesus at the end of his life.[4] ‘So what’s all this about?’ asked one lady. When I told her, she said that the hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she felt the truth of that story, and she realised that this sort of encounter could happen to her as well. It wasn’t a forced, religious occasion, just a sharing time inspired by the Holy Spirit.
The choice of way opens up at different times for different people, but in my ministry among the elderly, it’s quite clear that the way also opens up in old age – perhaps through isolation or loneliness, perhaps through physical weakness, or through the realisation that material goals have not been enough or that the family has let individuals down, perhaps through the terror of approaching death or the prospect of judgement when we know that we are inadequate. Whatever the reason, a deep conversation with someone in old age, about what they really feel, can have eternal results.
Nothing else can give the peace of knowing that sins are forgiven; nothing else can give the assurance that Jesus understands our weaknesses, because Jesus is the perfect high priest who can understand what we are going through and assure us that He knows.[5]The idea of being ‘saved’ may sound like an outmoded religious term, but old age and emotional turmoil in earlier life teach us that we need saving by a source outside ourselves – from our mistakes and muddled understanding, and from our wrongdoing and human pitfalls.
And, knowing that our ultimate destiny is secure, old age can present us with pleasant and unexpected by-ways. Those of us who need to ‘slow down’, as we care for the elderly, can remind ourselves that small acts can achieve great results – a card sent to an old friend, a phone call, the gift of a DVD or CD which gives pleasure.
This morning, I set out on a path which I know well in the countryside, but then, on a whim, I followed another bridle path, which took me through a field of buttercups, then down a quiet forest path full of delicately furred beech leaves. Then, in an ordinary field, a fawn stood quietly looking at me with interest. The days of greatest weariness can be lightened by sheer beauty emanating from the most ordinary things. The aurora borealis, or northern lights, were thought to be only the experience of those who could afford to go to certain countries or have an expensive cruise. Suddenly in 2024, by a fluke of nature, they came to the ordinary inhabitants of the UK as they looked out of their windows at night, and it was free of charge! The blessings of God are given freely. It is part of our job as we ‘slow down’ to share them and their source with others who are struggling.
Think about! Reflections on Bible passages and your own walk with the Lord
1. How does Psalm 119:71 resonate with you? Which picture of the faithfulness of God could you use to help you in your own meditation?
2. As you read 1 Samuel 20, what can you learn from the life of Jonathan? Caught between Saul and David, was he an inevitable ‘loser’?
3. Which era of your life has been the most significant in your walk with God – either through a conversion experience or through meaningful advances in your Christian life?
Think about! Your own gifts and ministry
1. What experiences of God’s faithfulness would you be willing to share with others? Are there other experiences and trials which you would like to ring fence as private?
2. What would you say to someone who has felt disillusioned and given up the faith because of church quarrels?
3. Have you had issues with depression and/or anxiety in your own life? Could you use any of those to help others?
[1] The Gospel Literature Outreach was founded in 1963 by Colin Tilsley and involved in church planting in Europe from 1974. Glo-europe.org (accessed 4th December 2024). Church planting involves starting a church in a place, where, as yet, there is no collective witness. My husband and I were involved in a church-planting team in Marseille between 1979 and 1981.
[2] Street Pastors with parent organisation, Ascension Trust, was founded in 2023 by Les Isaacs. www.streetpastors.org (accessed 4th December 2024).
[3] Anna Chaplaincy (part of Bible Reading Fellowship) was founded in 2010 by Debbie Thrower. www.annachaplaincy.org.uk (accessed 4th December 2024).
[4] Luke 23:39-43.
[5] Hebrews 2:17-18.
